IT'S A BLOWN SKI

IT'S A BLOWN SKI 

Waves are what I hear when I remember it.
It was waves in the air that whisper in your ear.
It was calm.
It was calm and safe.
It was the deepest sleep I had in 2023.
It was an empty room full of sunlight.
It was an empty room that had nothing but warmth.
It felt enough.
It felt enough with no reason.
It felt enough without a formed observation.
I felt peace.
It felt peaceful.
It felt peaceful and structured.
It was structured and simple.
Simple is a scary word.
Simple was a challenge.
Simple became a possibility.
It was the first time I liked simple.
But the calmness, the warmth, the contentment, the peace, and the simplicity is only a one-week illusion. 
Inaction from each side of the ocean made the sound of the waves quieter. 
The sunset came beautifully, I wept.
The water will flow perpetually.

Waves are what I hear when I remember it.

 

March 1st

 

There is no space for peace in some places where emptiness has resided.

Indifference over connection for bridges burnt by delusion.

For someone who remembers everything too well, pretending shit never happened is genius.

Guilt is a friend to those who keep their grace whilst safekeeping broken pieces of their soul.

 

Nicotine

    It was a busy and sunny Monday morning at 30 Degrees at the Train and I saw him. I did not see his face but I remember the details of his image, and I remember how time slowed down while I gazed at him-- I gazed at him long enough to have had the weirdest of crazy thoughts as my mind say, "I can feel your soul, and it feels familiar".

    I wanted to see more of him, I tried and looked harder but I can't quite see his face. He was standing across me, he was tall and slim. He was looking into the window as the train ran. He had a mild curve at his back almost seeming like he's shy, or quiet or reserved, or aloof, I don't know. It just felt inviting. I remember he had black boots, I remember he had a black V-neck shirt, tight pants, long and thick spiky hair. He looked like a punk rock dude. He puckered his lips a lot, it was cute.

    I still cannot see his face. All I see are magnified views of some his angles. It's weird. And it was soothing and I wanted more of it. It was at the second stop that my view became obscured. He suddenly disappeared after a sea of people came in from the city center stop. I went on with my wandering thoughts still confused about that moment. I had seven stops before the University. I have no idea what happened, he found a way in my thoughts and in my mind.

    "I hate college". You see, I talk to myself a lot when I walk towards the old Main Building of the University. I have five flights of stairs to climb until I reach College of Accountancy. "Here we go again". I tell myself as I reach every level of the Main Building. And I walk some more to my classroom west of the Main Building Fifth Floor and put on my best face while I continue the thoughts in my mind as I step inside the classroom, "Ugh, I hate Accounting, why am I here" 

    College was really boring for me. Most of my classmates pressure themselves in making the "cut" or making it "somewhere" and all of that confused me. I often thought I did not care as much for my future as much as they did or maybe I just grew tired of defining myself with that which surrounds me. You see, I have always been good at most things growing up. I do not want to appear too proud, but all my life I have always exceled at most things I do and at this point in my life, all I want is to just be normal. Not better, not best-- just normal.

   Classes came and went and days passed by easy for me, it almost feels like a countdown for when I am really truly on my own, out in the world and up for life's truest challenges. It was the only thing I looked forward to, when I am on my own and in my own peace.

    "I badly want to smoke now, you coming?" Zo seemed not up for it as it was really hot outside so I decided to go alone. I streamed the hallway while I dig up my cigarettes and lighter somehow always buried in my deep bottomless backpack. A guy passed me by the hallway and I saw his boots, and then a breeze of wind hit me. "Fuck that smells good" I told myself, I looked behind me and I think I saw the same guy at the train. I am not sure. He was walking towards the stairs at the west end of the building. What I am sure of is that guy smelled good. Hella good.

    Cigarettes were my escape to a lot of things. It has this calming relief, the silence of the moment is the most divine part of it. You take a hit, and you breathe. It's the stupid version of meditation for me. The moment provides me the serenity I need when I am overwhelmed of the world, of the noise, of the thoughts, of people, of the mess or when I am tired of me. Yup, though it does poison me, cigarettes were my medicine for the chaos around me.

    "Too hot dude" I was staring at the sun and cursing at it. "I just want to smoke my ciggies". I strolled the campus for a spot under the hot sun with an umbrella, I often hate myself more until I find a spot where I can freely smoke, that "before-a-stick" version of me is a very nasty and grumpy person. I don't like her. "Fuck, there we go, finally!" I saw a shaded area by the campus sidewalk. The trees gave a great shade and a big bush can help conceal my very health hazardous hobby. And I lit a cigarette.

" Can I have a light?" 

I looked up and it was him. I am sure now. The dude at the train. 

" I don't like being followed and here's my lighter" That's what I replied

"I am not following you and stop acting like I am a creep, we're already three years in College and apparently you have not noticed we're the same year and that we share the same floor and the same wing"

" You know me?"

"Yes and No. I just see you a lot."

" I just saw you this morning at the train"

"Yeah I saw you too, you wear too much red lipstick"

"You wear too much hair pomade"

"Your hair is too long"

"Your hair is too long too"

"Now we have something in common, can we now stop judging each other"

"You started it, Weirdo"

"Haha okay okay, l am sorry my name is Ellie"

"Okay Ellie, hand me back my lighter-- nice meeting you"

"You going back? Hold on let's walk back together, I have my class at 1PM"

"Me too at W506"

"I'm at W507, neighbor"

We walked back together to the main building and shared my umbrella. He was taller than me and he smelled good. His face looked naughty but quiet. He had calmness that intrigued me. He walked catching on to my pace and somehow I felt safe around him. We reached the west wing, and our classrooms, and did not speak as we parted ways. We just smiled at each other. There wasn't any goodbye or anything, but somehow I felt that we'll have cigarettes together again very soon. I understand to have agreed on it without talking. What a weirdo.  

 

Punk Rock Made Me Do It

Hi, I shall start pretending I am talking to you over coffee and cigarettes. Let's keep this super casual.

Damn, punk rock made me do this, for real. A lot of old songs made me remember I had this blog. I had this blog because sometimes talking in person is hard for me and I've leveraged into using this space to just explain the unending thoughts I have in my head.

So it is the start of another year, I feel like I am not as "deep" as I used to be. Fuck those old pieces I published here, dammit it made me realize I used to be really intentional on a lot of things and aspects of my life.  Should I say growing up sucks? Well, today I would say it doesn't.

What did I just do now? I had red wine, a pink clay face mask, just took a really relaxing two-hour hot bath with my burnt brown sugar and vanilla cream soap and sang my heart out. At the back of my mind I wanted to put in some work before I sleep so Monday Work isn't that "Monday-ish", but that would be for later as I am still trying to put some shitty words on here that may give me a laugh say five years after today. 

How are you? Aren't those words just heavy hitters? I love being asked how I am. It makes me feel important. Well, whoever is reading this, I hope you have zero problems right now, I hope you have peace in every waking day, and I hope you are hopeful. Actually,  it would be really awesome if you are high on anything that makes you happy, the word for it is passionate. I think being passionate is the best feeling in the world.

The pandemic is happening still by the way. I have learned to live with it. Yeah, I think I can say that now. Life is weird. I think it just takes time to live out the weirdness until it's normal. So this new normal, it is my new reality now, nothing weird about it anymore. I think it is a good thing that the mindset I have about the life I have now is with acceptance, isn't that wonderful? I mean, wow did I just say that?

Suicide Sunday is playing on the background and I just watched The Discovery on Netflix today. Suicide is all over my stuff today what the fuck Bro. I am going to say that suicide is dumb and suicide is not the answer. Hang on let me fucking click next on my Spotify. 

Alright, DJ Sammy is now playing with Heaven. After Suicide Sunday is Heaven. This is too EDM for me so let me click next again. Tangina this playlist. LOL JK

Okay, that was grumpy of me so let me get back to the zone of being still before Suicide Sunday played. Deep breaths, okay okay I think I got it now. I like the song playing now, it is Check Yes, Juliet. This is a good song.

So, what am I now? This is really a tough question to answer but you know I am a fucking 30 year old lady that needs to be able to define who she is. I am content and I got my shit together.

You thought I am going to brag with the great job that I have or the great life I lead? Hell naww.

I am content and I got my shit together.

Let me say that again. I am content and I got my shit together.

Isn't that fuckin rad? I am content and I got my shit together.

Rad.

I think this is the first time I wrote here because I missed writing. Four years of Creative Writing education and I never used it. Anyway, I really just wanted to occupy some space right now in this virtual world of mine that I kept because I love seeing how dumb I really am. When I die, if anybody gets to read this, it be really cool I think. If anyone will miss me they can just come back to the words on here and have my dumb self entertain them.

LOL 

Okay, Fireflies is now playing and I love this song. I think this song gave birth to electronica. Anyway, today is January 3, 2021. I am glad I wrote on here today.

"I am weird coz I hate goodbyes"

You Are The Last

WHO I loved was a girl from college. I wasn’t exactly close to her, but with some superficial facts, a few of interaction over semester, like most guys fantasizing over a girl they barely know, I filled in the blanks like a fairytale author. And “who”, she becomes into my head like probably more than the reality. She was a third-year sorority girl, I was infatuated freshmen, but several times we got to spend together outside of class, it really allow me to see she had a good heard and a bright spirit, the only problem was, so did just about any other guy, while she turned me down nicely, I swear, there were times when it seemed like a cliché sorority girl may have felt something for the typical awkward freshman. WHAT I loved was one of my old friends, but she was much more than just a friend. We met early in college and kept in touch with the years after, we saw each other grow and change and through multiple relationships. I saw different boyfriends come and go, she was also there for every girlfriend and break up of mine. Personality, humor, taste, it was all there, her and I was almost perfect, only known wasn’t perfect was our timing, we were never single at the same time. What we love about each other was never enough to leave who you were with, this is something we eventually have to face and accept, we have to leave behind what we had. WHEN I loved was my first girlfriend in high school, it’s a bit unfair because she embodies a combination of both love and youth. Feeling of young love is unique and impossible to replace or replicate, because you can only be that age once. High school was a time of innocence, discovery and adventure, we shared three elements together in thing like, our first kiss, late night sneaking out and matinee movies, all of which now had become a nostalgic love, preserved in a time neither of us can touch but know is there, even though we were just kids. There is not a doubt in my mind that we were there. We were in love. WHERE I loved was a girl I met in LA, I never intended to stay there that long, it was just six-mouth internship after graduating, but all changed when I met her. Soon a year had passed then somehow another year after that I couldn’t leave the city, couldn’t leave her. Maybe it was my desire to be on my own, or prove something to everyone back at home, but she helped my accomplished over there. With the relationship reflected of the city we were in, a new energy and new exp that really push me to mature, more than anyone, or anywhere else. When people ask what city I love most, I say LA—the city I love the most. WHY I loved was a close friend of mine who passed away. She told my after she was diagnosed that. Death was not what sadness her the most, but the fact that she never really felt like she had fallen in love. She wouldn’t get to have those emotions, good and bad, of being hurt and of being held. After she passed, those words stuck with me the most. Teaching me to see that the greatest gifts we have of being alive is the ability to give, receive and even lose love. There are so many like her, whose lives end before have any of those experience. What a waste if we don’t strive to love in our lives. She made me understand why waste this life, not loving. “I understand know” “You are the sixth,“ “So which one of them am I then?” “You are none of them, because you are all of them” “You are who I love, the girl on the pedestal, the fantasy, the make-believe things that are actually true. You are what I love, the depth, the inside jokes, the best friend. You are when I love, a new history is being started with you, and we are young lovers our order selves will someday reminisce about. You are where I love, because I go anywhere just to be with you. You are why I love, because before you I didn’t truly understand what I was looking for, now that we found each other, you give my past, the future, meaning. You are the sixth, you are the last.”

I Miss You

Hey. 

I know we haven’t seen each other or even talk to each other in a while, but I want you to know that I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I want you to know that I miss you.

Not I regret what happened or I want to see you again, just I miss you. just I miss you. It’s so strange to think that someone I knew so well is now a total stranger to me, that sometimes I go entire days without thinking about you. 

Most of the time I let myself forget because it’s easier, but then I find something, a photo, a gift, the stupid love letters we used to give each other, and the full weight of what’s being lost crashes down on me. 

Part of me wants to see you again, to hold you again, to kiss you again, but all of those feelings become empty thoughts when I look back now remembering that love isn’t always what it seems. It’s just so easy to forget. 

But this isn’t regret, we had our reasons for ending it, and they are as valid as ever. But back at the start, we didn’t need any reasons to fall in love. We just did. 

The reasons came at the end, and everything since then has been about reasons. And that’s good, means that one day I’ll find I won’t have to say goodbye to. But apart of me just misses loving someone and having them love you back. That’s all. 

I guess what I’m saying is I hope things are good with you. I hope everything is great. I hope everything is great. I hope you have found a love that’s all the things ours couldn’t be. But just a small part of me hopes that you still remember what it was like before all the reasons, 

And that you miss me too.

-I Miss You

Half Nelson

Change moves in spirals, not circles. For example, the sun goes up and then it goes down. But every time that happens, what do you get? You get a new day. You get a new one. When you breathe, you inhale and you exhale, but every single time that you do that you're a little bit different then the one before. We're always changing. And it's important to know that there are some changes you can't control and that there are others you can.

Who might say that Aristotle's wrong, right? But that doesn't make any sense; these things need each other. The idea that... that all God's creations are perfect, perfect - so just to suggest that - that a tree it's - it's crooked and it's straight... it's strong and it's weak... is to suggest that - that God created something imperfect. They do however acknowledge it in people; we are sinners but we can strive to be good just not in nature itself I guess.

And this is the thing, remember? Everything is made with opposing force. We may be opposed to the machine, but we're still very much a part of it, right? I work for the government, the school, but I'm also very much opposed to a lot of its policies. You guys hate coming to school, right? Holler back if you heard me! You hate it, but you come anyway. Sometimes. Exactly.