It will be generic to open this letter with “I AM SORRY”, but I will, to properly grind the purpose.
~I AM SORRY
I was listening to Taylor Swift’s “I Almost Do” in the bus this morning, the usual, and thought of you for the first time in about four weeks that I have “disappeared”.
It perfectly hit me that I have the responsibility to at least have the decency to explain, to at least say goodbye. It will be disrespectful to pursue this silence, I am sincerely sorry for it.
I’ve hinted, I’ve tried. I don’t know if you ever got it, but I was wishful thinking you’d have the feel before the 11th came.
Late April, I was decided to call it quits, I thought it was the job that I hated, I thought it was me not being content and I just needed to change the way I viewed things, I questioned why I’ve been seeking the company of other people by endlessly going places, I assessed why I stopped answering the calls and limited my replies and restricted my queries to “are you going home?” and “have you eaten?” and ended conversations with the very plain “ingat ka” and I ended up realizing, I am no more happy with the life I have and expectantly will have for more years to come with us, together. Please do not digest this as personal, it is actually me, who has the problem, and if it be necessary to be damaged, I will take that aggressive step and push ‘til it hurts because this is the right thing to do, you know it for sure.
Remember when I jokingly ranted a farewell, it was for real, but I turned cowardly resorting to just kidding because I can’t bear the guilt of having the one to kill us. That was before May came.
I will be a hypocrite if I said that I literally just felt this emptiness, so I will tell you in all honesty that something big hit me late April.
~RAZBLIUTO
You know how I value my principles, and I think, I may have crossed the line to being what I’ve always hated. One day in April awakening, I had the lost touch of sincerity I’ve always missed, the long gone passion for life I’ve always sought for and surprisingly the happy me came alive, and with these phenomenon that came to me, it made me question the authenticity of this current happiness with you. It was real, please know it, but it wasn’t enough to keep me exclusive. Clearly, I did you wrong- I have been very inappropriate towards you and this silence is my self-punishment, I have to do this.
And in the time frame of April and May, not once but many times I've been the worst person to you. May 11th, perhaps the worst lie I did you, with a text saying “I love you Baby, Happy Monthsary” which from that very moment did not mean anything to me anymore, I just had to send it to you because it felt like a responsibility... I was islands apart from you...enjoying myself, my heart enjoying the view but the thought of that text? it made me sick to my stomach… I am not that kind of person and so, I had to fly away from the responsibility I owed you, being true.
~DRAPETOMANIA
I opted to just be the “kill switch”.
By this very disrespectful way I know I will have the courage to run away which I can never do seeing or hearing you, it took everything in me to do this and you don’t know how much love I needed to exert to forget.
I somehow wish that you’d just think I had amnesia, but I can’t do those theatrical, soap-opera inspired means of forgetting. If I had to be your Clementine I would, but I can’t. But you know what, I know you so much that I am sure you’d just accept this because you respect me that much; I pray that it’s true with you.
Please do not have the impression that I’m doing all these because the situation favors me, no, I am not involved in anybody and currently trying to figure the real person in me.
I have this “Achilles’ heel”, admittedly recurring for years now, I never had the certainty, sometimes I just wished I’d forget this part of me also but I always find myself giving in, and though it could appear that I did choose “this” again, please understand that the odds are not and never were favorable to me, I just happen to always find myself “drowned” over this, over me, over the thoughts and memories and the intense chemistry that never faded and actually, it eventually has put me mastering the art of the consequences that always went with it.
So you see by this decision, there’s clearly nothing to celebrate.
Thank you for the best reciprocated love I ever had.
Please remember me smiling.
P.S.
Cebu, Dumaguete and the other island, Jane’s home, they were fantastic. My first flight to Cebu had the prettiest clouds.
Baguio was fun.
Please take care, always. Drive safely, always.
Be yourself and stay the same, forever.
It will be the 11th tomorrow, please keep the memory of the day and remember me, smiling. J
With all my heartfelt goodbye,
Ces
I Almost Do- Taylor Swift
