Nicotine
It was a busy and sunny Monday morning at 30 Degrees at the Train and I saw him. I did not see his face but I remember the details of his image, and I remember how time slowed down while I gazed at him-- I gazed at him long enough to have had the weirdest of crazy thoughts as my mind say, "I can feel your soul, and it feels familiar".
I wanted to see more of him, I tried and looked harder but I can't quite see his face. He was standing across me, he was tall and slim. He was looking into the window as the train ran. He had a mild curve at his back almost seeming like he's shy, or quiet or reserved, or aloof, I don't know. It just felt inviting. I remember he had black boots, I remember he had a black V-neck shirt, tight pants, long and thick spiky hair. He looked like a punk rock dude. He puckered his lips a lot, it was cute.
I still cannot see his face. All I see are magnified views of some his angles. It's weird. And it was soothing and I wanted more of it. It was at the second stop that my view became obscured. He suddenly disappeared after a sea of people came in from the city center stop. I went on with my wandering thoughts still confused about that moment. I had seven stops before the University. I have no idea what happened, he found a way in my thoughts and in my mind.
"I hate college". You see, I talk to myself a lot when I walk towards the old Main Building of the University. I have five flights of stairs to climb until I reach College of Accountancy. "Here we go again". I tell myself as I reach every level of the Main Building. And I walk some more to my classroom west of the Main Building Fifth Floor and put on my best face while I continue the thoughts in my mind as I step inside the classroom, "Ugh, I hate Accounting, why am I here"
College was really boring for me. Most of my classmates pressure themselves in making the "cut" or making it "somewhere" and all of that confused me. I often thought I did not care as much for my future as much as they did or maybe I just grew tired of defining myself with that which surrounds me. You see, I have always been good at most things growing up. I do not want to appear too proud, but all my life I have always exceled at most things I do and at this point in my life, all I want is to just be normal. Not better, not best-- just normal.
Classes came and went and days passed by easy for me, it almost feels like a countdown for when I am really truly on my own, out in the world and up for life's truest challenges. It was the only thing I looked forward to, when I am on my own and in my own peace.
"I badly want to smoke now, you coming?" Zo seemed not up for it as it was really hot outside so I decided to go alone. I streamed the hallway while I dig up my cigarettes and lighter somehow always buried in my deep bottomless backpack. A guy passed me by the hallway and I saw his boots, and then a breeze of wind hit me. "Fuck that smells good" I told myself, I looked behind me and I think I saw the same guy at the train. I am not sure. He was walking towards the stairs at the west end of the building. What I am sure of is that guy smelled good. Hella good.
Cigarettes were my escape to a lot of things. It has this calming relief, the silence of the moment is the most divine part of it. You take a hit, and you breathe. It's the stupid version of meditation for me. The moment provides me the serenity I need when I am overwhelmed of the world, of the noise, of the thoughts, of people, of the mess or when I am tired of me. Yup, though it does poison me, cigarettes were my medicine for the chaos around me.
"Too hot dude" I was staring at the sun and cursing at it. "I just want to smoke my ciggies". I strolled the campus for a spot under the hot sun with an umbrella, I often hate myself more until I find a spot where I can freely smoke, that "before-a-stick" version of me is a very nasty and grumpy person. I don't like her. "Fuck, there we go, finally!" I saw a shaded area by the campus sidewalk. The trees gave a great shade and a big bush can help conceal my very health hazardous hobby. And I lit a cigarette.
" Can I have a light?"
I looked up and it was him. I am sure now. The dude at the train.
" I don't like being followed and here's my lighter" That's what I replied
"I am not following you and stop acting like I am a creep, we're already three years in College and apparently you have not noticed we're the same year and that we share the same floor and the same wing"
" You know me?"
"Yes and No. I just see you a lot."
" I just saw you this morning at the train"
"Yeah I saw you too, you wear too much red lipstick"
"You wear too much hair pomade"
"Your hair is too long"
"Your hair is too long too"
"Now we have something in common, can we now stop judging each other"
"You started it, Weirdo"
"Haha okay okay, l am sorry my name is Ellie"
"Okay Ellie, hand me back my lighter-- nice meeting you"
"You going back? Hold on let's walk back together, I have my class at 1PM"
"Me too at W506"
"I'm at W507, neighbor"
We walked back together to the main building and shared my umbrella. He was taller than me and he smelled good. His face looked naughty but quiet. He had calmness that intrigued me. He walked catching on to my pace and somehow I felt safe around him. We reached the west wing, and our classrooms, and did not speak as we parted ways. We just smiled at each other. There wasn't any goodbye or anything, but somehow I felt that we'll have cigarettes together again very soon. I understand to have agreed on it without talking. What a weirdo.
