WHO I loved was a girl from college. I wasn’t exactly close to her, but with some superficial facts, a few of interaction over semester, like most guys fantasizing over a girl they barely know, I filled in the blanks like a fairytale author. And “who”, she becomes into my head like probably more than the reality. She was a third-year sorority girl, I was infatuated freshmen, but several times we got to spend together outside of class, it really allow me to see she had a good heard and a bright spirit, the only problem was, so did just about any other guy, while she turned me down nicely, I swear, there were times when it seemed like a cliché sorority girl may have felt something for the typical awkward freshman. WHAT I loved was one of my old friends, but she was much more than just a friend. We met early in college and kept in touch with the years after, we saw each other grow and change and through multiple relationships. I saw different boyfriends come and go, she was also there for every girlfriend and break up of mine. Personality, humor, taste, it was all there, her and I was almost perfect, only known wasn’t perfect was our timing, we were never single at the same time. What we love about each other was never enough to leave who you were with, this is something we eventually have to face and accept, we have to leave behind what we had. WHEN I loved was my first girlfriend in high school, it’s a bit unfair because she embodies a combination of both love and youth. Feeling of young love is unique and impossible to replace or replicate, because you can only be that age once. High school was a time of innocence, discovery and adventure, we shared three elements together in thing like, our first kiss, late night sneaking out and matinee movies, all of which now had become a nostalgic love, preserved in a time neither of us can touch but know is there, even though we were just kids. There is not a doubt in my mind that we were there. We were in love. WHERE I loved was a girl I met in LA, I never intended to stay there that long, it was just six-mouth internship after graduating, but all changed when I met her. Soon a year had passed then somehow another year after that I couldn’t leave the city, couldn’t leave her. Maybe it was my desire to be on my own, or prove something to everyone back at home, but she helped my accomplished over there. With the relationship reflected of the city we were in, a new energy and new exp that really push me to mature, more than anyone, or anywhere else. When people ask what city I love most, I say LA—the city I love the most. WHY I loved was a close friend of mine who passed away. She told my after she was diagnosed that. Death was not what sadness her the most, but the fact that she never really felt like she had fallen in love. She wouldn’t get to have those emotions, good and bad, of being hurt and of being held. After she passed, those words stuck with me the most. Teaching me to see that the greatest gifts we have of being alive is the ability to give, receive and even lose love. There are so many like her, whose lives end before have any of those experience. What a waste if we don’t strive to love in our lives. She made me understand why waste this life, not loving. “I understand know” “You are the sixth,“ “So which one of them am I then?” “You are none of them, because you are all of them” “You are who I love, the girl on the pedestal, the fantasy, the make-believe things that are actually true. You are what I love, the depth, the inside jokes, the best friend. You are when I love, a new history is being started with you, and we are young lovers our order selves will someday reminisce about. You are where I love, because I go anywhere just to be with you. You are why I love, because before you I didn’t truly understand what I was looking for, now that we found each other, you give my past, the future, meaning. You are the sixth, you are the last.”
2/17/18
You Are The Last
WHO I loved was a girl from college. I wasn’t exactly close to her, but with some superficial facts, a few of interaction over semester, like most guys fantasizing over a girl they barely know, I filled in the blanks like a fairytale author. And “who”, she becomes into my head like probably more than the reality. She was a third-year sorority girl, I was infatuated freshmen, but several times we got to spend together outside of class, it really allow me to see she had a good heard and a bright spirit, the only problem was, so did just about any other guy, while she turned me down nicely, I swear, there were times when it seemed like a cliché sorority girl may have felt something for the typical awkward freshman. WHAT I loved was one of my old friends, but she was much more than just a friend. We met early in college and kept in touch with the years after, we saw each other grow and change and through multiple relationships. I saw different boyfriends come and go, she was also there for every girlfriend and break up of mine. Personality, humor, taste, it was all there, her and I was almost perfect, only known wasn’t perfect was our timing, we were never single at the same time. What we love about each other was never enough to leave who you were with, this is something we eventually have to face and accept, we have to leave behind what we had. WHEN I loved was my first girlfriend in high school, it’s a bit unfair because she embodies a combination of both love and youth. Feeling of young love is unique and impossible to replace or replicate, because you can only be that age once. High school was a time of innocence, discovery and adventure, we shared three elements together in thing like, our first kiss, late night sneaking out and matinee movies, all of which now had become a nostalgic love, preserved in a time neither of us can touch but know is there, even though we were just kids. There is not a doubt in my mind that we were there. We were in love. WHERE I loved was a girl I met in LA, I never intended to stay there that long, it was just six-mouth internship after graduating, but all changed when I met her. Soon a year had passed then somehow another year after that I couldn’t leave the city, couldn’t leave her. Maybe it was my desire to be on my own, or prove something to everyone back at home, but she helped my accomplished over there. With the relationship reflected of the city we were in, a new energy and new exp that really push me to mature, more than anyone, or anywhere else. When people ask what city I love most, I say LA—the city I love the most. WHY I loved was a close friend of mine who passed away. She told my after she was diagnosed that. Death was not what sadness her the most, but the fact that she never really felt like she had fallen in love. She wouldn’t get to have those emotions, good and bad, of being hurt and of being held. After she passed, those words stuck with me the most. Teaching me to see that the greatest gifts we have of being alive is the ability to give, receive and even lose love. There are so many like her, whose lives end before have any of those experience. What a waste if we don’t strive to love in our lives. She made me understand why waste this life, not loving. “I understand know” “You are the sixth,“ “So which one of them am I then?” “You are none of them, because you are all of them” “You are who I love, the girl on the pedestal, the fantasy, the make-believe things that are actually true. You are what I love, the depth, the inside jokes, the best friend. You are when I love, a new history is being started with you, and we are young lovers our order selves will someday reminisce about. You are where I love, because I go anywhere just to be with you. You are why I love, because before you I didn’t truly understand what I was looking for, now that we found each other, you give my past, the future, meaning. You are the sixth, you are the last.”
I Miss You
Hey.
I know we haven’t seen each other or even talk to each other in a while, but I want you to know that I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I want you to know that I miss you.
Not I regret what happened or I want to see you again, just I miss you. just I miss you. It’s so strange to think that someone I knew so well is now a total stranger to me, that sometimes I go entire days without thinking about you.
Most of the time I let myself forget because it’s easier, but then I find something, a photo, a gift, the stupid love letters we used to give each other, and the full weight of what’s being lost crashes down on me.
Part of me wants to see you again, to hold you again, to kiss you again, but all of those feelings become empty thoughts when I look back now remembering that love isn’t always what it seems. It’s just so easy to forget.
But this isn’t regret, we had our reasons for ending it, and they are as valid as ever. But back at the start, we didn’t need any reasons to fall in love. We just did.
The reasons came at the end, and everything since then has been about reasons. And that’s good, means that one day I’ll find I won’t have to say goodbye to. But apart of me just misses loving someone and having them love you back. That’s all.
I guess what I’m saying is I hope things are good with you. I hope everything is great. I hope everything is great. I hope you have found a love that’s all the things ours couldn’t be. But just a small part of me hopes that you still remember what it was like before all the reasons,
And that you miss me too.
-I Miss You
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