Awake, Doing Nothin’

Awake, doing nothin’, just closed the youtube tab after catchin’ up on niggahiga and Mikey Bustos.

It’s 6’oclock in the morning, it’s so quiet and all I can hear is the endless twirling of the mini fan inside my laptop thinking it has been three days non-stop that I had her on, her name is Zooey by the way.

I couldn’t sleep, I was actually thinking of just doing a video of this whatever this is goin’ on in my head but I decided I’d rather do it in prose but regretting it this minute coz I feel so tired typing already, every day of my life I’m typing, faced in a very bright monitor at home, in the office, in my fone at the streets thinking, am I putting life on the days passing by? And I was positive, I feel good but tired.

I have started to loathe texting; it started to be so tedious for me.

I have always been praying for an iPad coz I got too tired using the mouse/finger pad.

I have been so lazy to speak; I seem to have lost the energy.

I have been getting more tired by the minute.

I have been in bed for more than 24 hours now, I get up only for bathroom-related purposes, nothing else, I don’t even have the enthusiasm for food and for my friends, if my sisters weren’t in my room I would have totally not spoken.

I browse the net facedown in my bed, or whatever position possible for me to do, going upright in the table just next to my bed is even a thought I never considered.

If I feel sore I’d drop Zooey and use Belle instead, my fone, I had the habit of watching all youtube/dailymotion/you.../you...you know what I’m sayin’ dorks,  all videos possible, scandal, tutorial, candid, porn, historical, mythical, porn, astronomical, porn yeah whatever is available, because I’m tired of the usual, “ Lez go watch this” “lez go in that place” “lez rock in the pub” lezgoo crazy blah blah blah, If they would just understand,  I feel like I’m happier doing nothing alone in my bed, in my room.

I enjoy the company of myself, as of the moment.

Truth is, I have times in my life where I feel less the person I am that is capable of holding some people in good relations towards me all at the same time, I feel consumed and tired taking care of other people it succumbs the person in me that I wished I were alone at some points. It’s more like, “can I have a weekend please?”

I was trying to make a point for terms such as “time to think”, “time for myself”, “time to chill” and it never were phrases intended to equate to “space”, you need space when you can’t breathe because the other party is making it complicated to do so, whence however, you need time to simply grow as a person for the benefit of yourself and other people. Steady.

I once insinuated an observation for the “fire to keep burning”.

But I was answered “ You are putting words into my mouth”

And so I stopped talking.

And when I started to talk and engage in good old conversation I was told.

“You are bored today aren’t you? You just sent me a message.”

So how do I exactly explain myself when I have been just being MYSELF?

Well I guess it’s hard to say the words exploding in my head right now, and if you ask me if I were shocked well boy you got it coz I won’t even remember these if it never hit the very nerve of “WTF did I just do again?”

I’m tired, oh so tired..

Loneliness should not however, be equated with being alone.

One can be intensely lonely in the midst of crowds.

Well the truth does hurt huh?